…Or something beautiful?
One of the suggestions from the postaweek tag last week was “Why did you start blogging?”. Also, a general tweet appeared on my twitter stream from a Journo student friend a few weeks ago with a very similar request of “please share with me the reasons you write”.
So, it seems I should answer this before the universe goes to such extremes as freak cloud formations or to keep asking that question…
When my last relationship ended, one of the things I learned was that I keep my thoughts and feelings inside too much (well, was told, but I was actually listening so I feel I learned it!). Since then I’ve heard from someone different the words “closed book”, had some verbal feedback on my blog of “well I just can’t write as vaguely as you do”, and my best friend has used the phrase “well- it’s JB. Who knows what’s going on there!”
So, the blogging answer is simple- it’s to try and get me into the habit of saying what’s on my mind in a frank and open way. I like that people are reading the witterings I put out there, and feel able to feed back to me. It’s always a challenge to write stuff that I know isn’t just public but that I know people who I know will read, and know about me.
But (and isn’t there always a ‘but’?)
I was asked something completely different this week. What I was asked isn’t really important to this blog, but I gave an honest response (equally personal) and I feel good that I felt able to, and also that I did. The ‘but’ kicks in here in that this progress doesn’t feel good, because it was negative answer to a personal question.
Sometimes you’re making progress, sometimes you’re taking two steps backwards… I think I’m making progress in being able to talk about things, and share my vulnerabilities & feelings, yet it seems that progress in other areas will be slow and rocky at best. Maybe I run my life better with the security that only I really know what I’m feeling, but that’s clearly unhealthy as far as all forms of interpersonal relationships go.
So next time you (whoever you are!) ask me a question, I may respond with lines from Paloma Faith’s song and debut album title:
I can be who you want me to be, but do you want me?
Do you want the truth, or something beautiful?