Tag Archive: Relationships


Drink Whiskey & shut up

I was playing a gig recently, and I put on a piece of clothing that isn’t mine.

Well, I say not mine. It’s something I’ve had for well over 14 years now. By anyone’s reckoning, I think it’s mine, and it’s far far too late in every way to give it back.

The person who it used to belong to never saw me gig, and only ever heard me play any sort of guitar from a distance.

I wonder what they would think if they watched me rockabilly the hell out of a guitar, and essentially turn into a person they don’t know in the process.

Would they be proud? Would they even stay around for the end?

Well, who knows! I never could second-guess them. I know I enjoy it, and I’m looking forward to getting back to match-fitness!

My guess is, though, that they’d tell me to just drink whiskey and shut up (great song by Brian Setzer- check it out if you can!)

Barljo

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Do you want the truth…

…Or something beautiful?

One of the suggestions from the postaweek tag last week was “Why did you start blogging?”. Also, a general tweet appeared on my twitter stream from a Journo student friend a few weeks ago with a very similar request of “please share with me the reasons you write”.

So, it seems I should answer this before the universe goes to such extremes as freak cloud formations or to keep asking that question…

When my last relationship ended, one of the things I learned was that I keep my thoughts and feelings inside too much (well, was told, but I was actually listening so I feel I learned it!). Since then I’ve heard from someone different the words “closed book”, had some verbal feedback on my blog of “well I just can’t write as vaguely as you do”, and my best friend has used the phrase “well- it’s JB. Who knows what’s going on there!”

So, the blogging answer is simple- it’s to try and get me into the habit of saying what’s on my mind in a frank and open way. I like that people are reading the witterings I put out there, and feel able to feed back to me. It’s always a challenge to write stuff that I know isn’t just public but that I know people who I know will read, and know about me.

But (and isn’t there always a ‘but’?)

I was asked something completely different this week. What I was asked isn’t really important to this blog, but I gave an honest response (equally personal) and I feel good that I felt able to, and also that I did. The ‘but’ kicks in here in that this progress doesn’t feel good, because it was negative answer to a personal question.

Sometimes you’re making progress, sometimes you’re taking two steps backwards… I think I’m making progress in being able to talk about things, and share my vulnerabilities & feelings, yet it seems that progress in other areas will be slow and rocky at best. Maybe I run my life better with the security that only I really know what I’m feeling, but that’s clearly unhealthy as far as all forms of interpersonal relationships go.

So next time you (whoever you are!) ask me a question, I may respond with lines from Paloma Faith’s song and debut album title:

I can be who you want me to be, but do you want me?
Do you want the truth, or something beautiful?

Barljo

*update on last week’s blog: I didn’t tell the person that I think they’re ace. I’d rather not say and have what we have than say it and risk ending up without.*

Which brings me to this week:

Too frequently in the last few weeks it’s been pointed out (mostly directly, once indirectly, but I’m fairly sure I was in the crosshairs!) that maybe I look at things too cynically, always seeing the problems. That got me thinking about self-fulfilling prophecies…

So, maybe my glass isn’t always half full. I don’t think of myself as a cynic, I’ve always felt mine was a healthy realistic viewpoint. But maybe I should relax a bit and take a more “suck-it-and-see” approach to things.

On the other hand, that sounds like it’s going to hurt. I’m a risk-averse person, I know this, and it would seem that as time moves on, I’ve moved away from assessing the risk/reward involved to assessing whether there is any risk. If there is, it appears I don’t take it.

I’ve tried to buck that trend of late (ref parachuting, wave-dodging, audition-applying) but that doesn’t seem to have fed through into every area of my life. I’m not sure if it’s rejection I fear, or hurt, or just disruption to my routine for the risk of only a little gain- maybe I’m more of a spinster than I thought!

So, at some point I need either a) take a leap and break the cycle or b) get some kittens, and call them my babies- kids won’t walk past my place: they’ll run. “Run away from crazy kitten man” they’ll shout. (Erm, that’s a Chandler-from-friends quote by the way, edited to be snake friendly).

In short, I’m far too chicken to step outside my comfort zone. I always have been, and I probably always will be. As much as I may want to change that, it’s far too much who I am. I quite like who I am most of the time, but sometimes I suck. 😉

I’ve also learned a new phrase recently- Secret Single Behaviour (abbreviates to ssb). Descriptive of stuff you do which you know is a bit weird but you do anyway because there’s nobody around to say “dude, that’s a bit weird”.

So right now, I’m off to make sure I have some green jelly in to eat at the weekend when Liverpool are on Match of the Day (ssb alert!)

Barljo

Do you want to know a secret?

Sorry that I didn’t blog last week. With one thing and another I just didn’t have it in me.

This week, I are bin mostly thinking… Should you tell people what you’re thinking? Not as in “I’ve been thinking about cheese” (that’s what Twitter is for!) but how you feel, especially if it’s about them.

I don’t do that, very often. I’m not that good at it. Deep and meaningful stuff always sounds contrived and clumsy, emotive stuff comes out harsh and aggressive.

It’s clearly something I need to work on. I’ve had the opportunity to practice both sides recently. Neither worked out very well to be frank, but they’re not stories to be blogging about- you guys know who you are, and I’m sorry that I’m rubbish at it. This is more about should you tell someone how you feel about them when it’s not what they want to hear. Not negative stuff, but soft stuff.

I’m a bloke, and also (probably!) an emotionally immature one. I’ve tried to be more open, but that inevitably leads to getting scared and backing even harder into my shell.

So, when faced with feelings that need to be shared (fear to be faced, barrel of gun to be stared down, wind to be pee’d into… Whichever metaphor suits you best), the time to do this is clearly not when the person has made it transparently clear they don’t want to hear that sort of talk, yet I still would like to let them know just how ace I think they are, and have done ever since the minute we met. Nothing to gain, everything to lose.

I tend to ask more questions in blogging than I answer. I do have a conclusion for this one though: gauge the mood. If it will help the situation, take that leap of faith. There’s precious little happiness around at the moment, and you’ll likely give someone the gift of a smile. If it’s going to lead to a worse position, hang fire though. It’ll complicate lives and bring more frowns. In the meantime, I’ll just be sitting here taking time, and one day I’ll tell you.

“Do you promise not to tell?”. Thanks Mr Lennon for today’s title (and a hidden song lyric- shout up if you spot it!)

Barljo

Quick intro

Hello there! Thanks for popping in.

I’m a rockabilly buddhist from a small island. There aren’t many rockabilly buddhists, so I consider that my unique selling point!

I’m a sensitive type, despite the guitar posturing that comes out, and I’ve started this blog to try and verbalise things for myself without bothering my friends (who are sometimes involved, but mostly have better stuff to worry about).

Right now (May ’10) I feel like the worst buddhist ever, but an essay will follow on that front.

Updates on this and other situations will follow.  I’m going to try and be strict with myself and do this weekly (ish!) – any thoughts, pointers, feedback etc are very welcome!

Thanks again for stopping by- comments of any sort and by any medium are very welcome!

BarlJo